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maaya
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Name: Joanne
Birthday: 5/25/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: Hot Asian guys, Asian dramas (Japanese and some Taiwanese), and music (mostly Japanese and some English and Chinese)!!!! Dir en grey, OLIVIA (olivia lufkin), AYA, Onitsuka Chihiro, Utada Hikaru, Cocco, baroque, Sakamoto Maaya, Kagrra, SUGIZO, Luna Sea, Jay Chou, Laura DiStasi, Caroline, etc.
Expertise: what expertise? being ever single (i hate february), sing, draw, sleep.. i'm good at sleeping... i'm good at being indecisive, lol ("Sure..?")
Occupation: Student
Industry: Business
Message: message me
AIM:  Deedlit567
Member Since:
10/13/2002
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| A couple of battle scars but mostly a thankful heart...and a lot of anxiety @_@
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| Frickwhen i talk about how neurotic, stubborn, selfish, and stupid my father is, people can't believe it. nope, i can't believe it either.
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| Moving back, Awkward Wedding Momentsall things considered, i decided to move back to austin. my parents need me and i have no job and no money, so that's that. plus, if i do decide to really pursue grad school, it would probably be here anyway.
yup, that's that. i will really miss all my friends in dallas, but good times don't last forever. things change, and then you can have good times in new places and with new people, creating new memories. yup. i don't really have anything more to say than that...i'll save crying for when i'm bidding people goodbye.
on another note, erica's wedding was nice. it was not too big or too complicated (or at least it did not appear to be), but i know there was still tons of planning involved, and erica did a lot of it herself. congrats to her and quinn! now the real work begins. oooooh yeah. marriage is tough stuff, to say the least.
and of course there was the expected "sooooooo joanne, when are YOU getting married?" from all the thoughtful aunties. i enjoyed the mixed reactions when i smiled and replied with a prompt "Never" and went about my business. scold me if you wish, but i figured that it was a better response than something like this:
auntie: so joanne, when are YOU getting married/so joanne, you're next, huh??
me: haha yeah actually i don't have a boyfriend, so that won't be happening in...a long time.
auntie: oh joanne, why not?
me: well....... (*insert something self-deprecating*)
auntie: (*awkward*)
or something like...
auntie: so joanne, when are YOU getting married?
me: actually, i always thought that i might never get married because...
auntie: oh no no, but you are such a nice girl. you just haven't met the right person yet.
me: uh..... (*insert a mean generalization about men*)
auntie: (*awkward*)
or something like....
auntie: so joanne, when are YOU getting married?
me: aren't i a little young to be...?
auntie: oh no no, you really are not that young.
me: (*awkward*)
yup.......
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| Absolutely Unspectacularly OrdinaryYale staff member. Stanford alum. Speech Pathologist. Law school student. Medical school student. Investment banker. Chemical engineering PhD student. Then there is me: absolutely unspectacular. I know that the real goal in this life on Earth is to serve God in whatever you do, not to have a kickass title or career, but I still get discouraged. I'm so ordinary, I'm not ambitious, I'm not smart or confident (the last one should be obvious!) I have an idea of what I would like to do....but I don't know if I will be able to go through what it takes to get there. I often feel like my entire college career was wasted because I'm just stuck in a rut instead of using that time to get somewhere. I guess I hadn't figured out what I had wanted to do until now, so there wasn't much I could have done in college anyway. Everything in retrospect becomes "Oh, I should have done that!" or, "Why didn't I do that?" I guess even if I had a fancy title, it would be very lonely. As my sister told me, "Joanne, it's lonely at the top. Do you have what it takes to fire someone? To take on responsibility for people's lives?" But I guess she was specifically speaking about becoming a CEO or something. Would I be happier to work ridiculous hours and often come home unappreciated, just so I can have a fancy title? Ah, the Twenty-something crisis....I should dig up that book I bought on it. | | |
| ForgivenessI'm so thankful for my Bible study group. I enjoy the fact that I can share so much with them, so even though it's with other people, I can still consider it "private worship", as we discussed today. I'm still very afraid of what I consider to be "public worship" (going to church), but eventually I hope to get there. What could I do, and where would I be, without Karen and Sophia?? :) And of course, my other good friends.
Remember to be specific in your prayers and be specific when you thank God for what you are grateful for. That's one thing I really need to remember.
On the not-so sunny side...
There have been a lot of things I am embarrassed about, embarrassed that I can't let go. In the past I have blamed other people for hurting me, but lately I have shifted a lot of the blame to myself. Who knew that forgiveness could take so long? I wonder if it's not a matter of forgiveness, but acceptance. I guess they go hand in hand in a lot of circumstances. I have not forgiven, and so I cannot accept. The only thing I have accepted is defeat, accepted that certain things can never be changed and there is no chance for it to change in the future, but I have not forgiven myself for past indiscretions, past failures, past ignorance, and misplaced trust. Everything that I have accepted have been things that hurt me in past and present, but I haven't forgiven any of the causes or reasons why they came about. I have not accepted any of the good that has come from these things. Friends and mentors have repeated them to me so many times, Christ has offered me forgiveness so many times, so it is up to me to accept the good, the lessons to be learned (and look at them in a positive light, and not "your lesson is that you were stupid at the time"), accept forgiveness.
It's a lot to take in and think about.
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