maaya's Xanga

Worries about School/Life

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 15:41:46 GMT

Excerpt:

"Adair, who is 30, found herself mired in a Quarterlife Crisis and sought professional help. She says, “I worked with a life coach, and he helped me a lot to realize that I was creating a vicious cycle in my life.... It was a cycle with four different phases, and I’ve followed it basically throughout my life. The steps were: I would get really excited about something, something new something different, something stellar, big. I went off to school totally excited and ready for an awesome experience. Stage two would be like ‘Oh, this is it? This is kind of boring now.’ After one-and-a-half exciting and non-stop years, I realized that I wasn’t excited about being there anymore. Stage three would be ‘What am I doing, why am I choosing to do this?’ In that third stage I would inevitably have some type of breakdown, [which] usually consisted of crying and talking through the feelings of emptiness and boredom with a friend or family member. Then I would have kind of breakthrough in that experience and get myself back up. At that point, I went abroad to Seville, Spain.... Now every time I’m faced with a change or new situation or find myself bored, I ask myself if this is a part of the cycle, or is this genuinely how I’m feeling.”

Will this happen to me when/if I go to graduate school? At first I was really excited about advising, but now after months of studying and thinking about the potential lack of job openings, my head has been filled with worries and doubts, and I have grown less enthusiastic about it. In fact, I fear it.

When/If I enter graduate school, I’m sure I won’t always be super enthusiastic. I’ll probably grow more concerned about getting to class on time, finding parking and getting around campus, and day-to-day things like that. I’ll probably get bored with classes and stressed with studying. Exams and papers will grow increasingly difficult, and I’ll wonder, “Why am I doing this?”

How do I stay motivated? What should I do if I don't get into graduate school? What happens if I spend all this money, time, and effort to get a Master's degree, but there are no jobs available? UT Austin is laying off staff this year...and advisers typically stay at their jobs for a very long time so maybe when I graduate there won't be any vacant positions. Even if the economy picks up sometime next year, I firmly believe that it won't make a full recovery for another few years, and I don't believe there will be any growth. Most companies and public institutions have downsized this year and the year before, and I think they will probably remain at this smaller size. End of recession does NOT equal recovery; actual recovery estimates are grim at best.

Worries worries worries...

F.I.R. - Yue Ya Wan (月牙灣) ("Moon Crescent Bay")

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 01:18:24 GMT

This is one of the very few songs I like by this band...but it's a really good song and pretty video.

F.I.R. - Yue Ya Wan (月牙灣) ("Moon Crescent Bay")

The sand of the heavens of Dun Huang
Carries with them our memories
I look back midway
And the Qin passage is boundless and winding

I dreamt that I've passed through the Western Regions
Embodying many rugged hills of Shandong
Love is like a traveling journal
I will seek its riddle

Look at the tears under Moon Crescent Bay
That is forgotten above the Silk Road

Whose heart is it?
That is alone and left behind
Is he still well?
How I want to love him
Those everlasting tears
Solidify just that one sentence
Perhaps they can evaporate

Whose love is it?
That is stronger than tears
Calling softly
That can let me melt
Every drop of rain water
Evolves into my wings
Running after the person that I love

(credit)

More songs

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 16:34:40 GMT

1. 關於我們 (About Us) by 痞客四 (Picks)

關於我們 - 痞客四

2. 學會感覺 (Learn to Feel) by Bibi Zhou

Xue Hui Gan Jue (Learn To Feel) - Bibi Zhou

3. ここにいるよ (I'm Right Here) by Soulja feat. Aoyama Thelma. Old classic jpop

Random videos

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 15:10:40 GMT

Just some random music videos of artists and songs that I've been listening to lately. Not necessarily reflecting on how I'm feeling or anything, just some stuff to share and for people to enjoy.

1. Da Mouth 大嘴巴 - King and Queen 國王皇后 ("Da" means Big, so their name is "Big Mouth"). Diverse group, and Harry the half-korean half-Chinese guy in the group has finally convinced me that yes, Korean boys can be CUTE.

2. 唐禹哲 - 愛我 (Danson Tang - "Ai Wo"). "Ai wo" means "Love Me". I'm not crazy about the video, but I love love this song, mostly because I love Danson's voice. It helps a lot that Danson is attractive.

3. "Utakata" by Amano Tsukiko.

4. Cover of "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys by Korean singer (who also sings Jpop) Younha

5. "Dai Wo Zou" ("Take Me Away") by Rainie Yang. Haha sorry, the video doesn't start until about 0:33 in

Me Muero by Utada

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 03:31:00 GMT

Everyday my life's in shambles
Since you took your love away.
I got nothing left to gamble
I've thrown it all away

Now and then I'm suicidal
Flirting with a new temptation
Happiness inside a bottle
Is what I need today

Oh my lover's gone away, gone to Istanbul
Light as a feather
I lie in my bed and flip through TV channels
Eating Godiva
I'm smoking my days away reading old E-mails
In my old pajamas
What a day, me muero, muero, muero

Loneliness makes it's arrival
The passion starts to settle in
Should I go Winona Rider
And do some crazy things

Now and then I'm suicidal
Flirting with a new temptation
Overdose overreaction
Call it what you may

Oh my lover's gone away, gone to Istanbul
Light as a feather
I lie in my bed and flip through TV channels
Eating Godiva
I'm smoking my days away reading old E-mails
In my old pajamas
What a day, me muero, muero, muero

*Note: "Me muero" roughly translates as "I die" in Spanish

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 20:01:45 GMT

A couple of battle scars but mostly a thankful heart...and a lot of anxiety @_@

Frick

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 02:28:20 GMT

when i talk about how neurotic, stubborn, selfish, and stupid my father is, people can't believe it. nope, i can't believe it either.

Moving back, Awkward Wedding Moments

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 03:51:41 GMT

all things considered, i decided to move back to austin. my parents need me and i have no job and no money, so that's that. plus, if i do decide to really pursue grad school, it would probably be here anyway.

yup, that's that. i will really miss all my friends in dallas, but good times don't last forever. things change, and then you can have good times in new places and with new people, creating new memories. yup. i don't really have anything more to say than that...i'll save crying for when i'm bidding people goodbye.

on another note, erica's wedding was nice. it was not too big or too complicated (or at least it did not appear to be), but i know there was still tons of planning involved, and erica did a lot of it herself. congrats to her and quinn! now the real work begins. oooooh yeah. marriage is tough stuff, to say the least.

and of course there was the expected "sooooooo joanne, when are YOU getting married?" from all the thoughtful aunties. i enjoyed the mixed reactions when i smiled and replied with a prompt "Never" and went about my business. scold me if you wish, but i figured that it was a better response than something like this:

auntie: so joanne, when are YOU getting married/so joanne, you're next, huh??
me: haha yeah actually i don't have a boyfriend, so that won't be happening in...a long time.
auntie: oh joanne, why not?
me: well....... (*insert something self-deprecating*)
auntie: (*awkward*)

or something like...

auntie: so joanne, when are YOU getting married?
me: actually, i always thought that i might never get married because...
auntie: oh no no, but you are such a nice girl. you just haven't met the right person yet.
me: uh..... (*insert a mean generalization about men*)
auntie: (*awkward*)

or something like....

auntie: so joanne, when are YOU getting married?
me: aren't i a little young to be...?
auntie: oh no no, you really are not that young.
me: (*awkward*)

yup.......

Absolutely Unspectacularly Ordinary

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 13:13:11 GMT

Yale staff member. Stanford alum. Speech Pathologist. Law school student. Medical school student. Investment banker. Chemical engineering PhD student.

Then there is me: absolutely unspectacular.

I know that the real goal in this life on Earth is to serve God in whatever you do, not to have a kickass title or career, but I still get discouraged. I'm so ordinary, I'm not ambitious, I'm not smart or confident (the last one should be obvious!) I have an idea of what I would like to do....but I don't know if I will be able to go through what it takes to get there. I often feel like my entire college career was wasted because I'm just stuck in a rut instead of using that time to get somewhere. I guess I hadn't figured out what I had wanted to do until now, so there wasn't much I could have done in college anyway. Everything in retrospect becomes "Oh, I should have done that!" or, "Why didn't I do that?"

I guess even if I had a fancy title, it would be very lonely. As my sister told me, "Joanne, it's lonely at the top. Do you have what it takes to fire someone? To take on responsibility for people's lives?" But I guess she was specifically speaking about becoming a CEO or something. Would I be happier to work ridiculous hours and often come home unappreciated, just so I can have a fancy title?

Ah, the Twenty-something crisis....I should dig up that book I bought on it.

Forgiveness

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 23:09:27 GMT

I'm so thankful for my Bible study group. I enjoy the fact that I can share so much with them, so even though it's with other people, I can still consider it "private worship", as we discussed today. I'm still very afraid of what I consider to be "public worship" (going to church), but eventually I hope to get there. What could I do, and where would I be, without Karen and Sophia?? :) And of course, my other good friends.

Remember to be specific in your prayers and be specific when you thank God for what you are grateful for. That's one thing I really need to remember.

On the not-so sunny side...

There have been a lot of things I am embarrassed about, embarrassed that I can't let go. In the past I have blamed other people for hurting me, but lately I have shifted a lot of the blame to myself. Who knew that forgiveness could take so long? I wonder if it's not a matter of forgiveness, but acceptance. I guess they go hand in hand in a lot of circumstances. I have not forgiven, and so I cannot accept. The only thing I have accepted is defeat, accepted that certain things can never be changed and there is no chance for it to change in the future, but I have not forgiven myself for past indiscretions, past failures, past ignorance, and misplaced trust. Everything that I have accepted have been things that hurt me in past and present, but I haven't forgiven any of the causes or reasons why they came about. I have not accepted any of the good that has come from these things. Friends and mentors have repeated them to me so many times, Christ has offered me forgiveness so many times, so it is up to me to accept the good, the lessons to be learned (and look at them in a positive light, and not "your lesson is that you were stupid at the time"), accept forgiveness.

It's a lot to take in and think about.